THE 5 CORE VALUES IN OUR BLENDED FAMILY

When Shannon and I decided to marry, blending our families of two girls each, we did ZERO research on the subject. No books, no consultation, just head in the clouds, head over heels in love - "this is gonna be amazing!"

The reality was the first years of our blended family were tough. One important factor we overlooked was establishing House Rules. We were quite naïve in the early stages and assumed that blending 4 girls, relatively close in age, would just fall into place. Change is difficult for everyone. Leading children through enormous change as you navigate that same waters yourself is a tall mountain to climb.

Shannon and I were both born in April....of the same year. We're both Aries, and we're both fire signs. We love with a passion as hot as the sun, but we can quarrel with the same fire. I'll be the first to admit that I believe my ways are better than hers. She'll be the first to admit the exact opposite. We're both wrong.

Shannon and I were raised with different sets of expectations. Somewhat influenced by our upbringings, we also set our own in developing our kids. What works for one doesn't necessarily mean it will work for another. But that isn't any reason to toss it aside. Each of our daughters has different needs and expectations from both Shannon and I.

As we continued to evolve as a blended family, we developed some non-negotiables. These are our day-to-day expectations that we all have to live by. From Mom and Dad down to the youngest.

1) Everyone in the house deserves respect.

Be kind. Be kind to all those you interact with within this house. This includes anyone that is a guest or an extended family member. This includes the exes. Be kind when you leave the house as well. Always be a positive representation of who we are. Shannon speaks fondly of how her father would say to them when leaving the house "give the Anderson's a good name." That's a tradition worth repeating.

2) Always do your best.

Tell the truth. Say please and thank you. Show gratitude. Do what you say you will do. Show accountability and ownership. Say I’m sorry. Don't be afraid of making mistakes. Forgive each other and yourself. Love one another equally. The list is endless. Always do the best you possibly can and help to bring out the best in others. We're all human.

3) Respect space and boundaries.

This is an important one. It creates trust and helps the kids learn about boundaries. Boundaries were an important lesson we all had to learn. Both our own and the boundaries of others. That journal you got them to communicate their feelings? It may be under your roof but that doesn't necessarily mean you can peruse through it without consulting them first. Now that our girls are becoming young women, respecting their privacy and boundaries is so critical. Knock before opening a closed door. Discuss private matters in private. Top to bottom, this one is important for the whole family.

4) Teamwork makes the dream work.

Whether it's 6 of us, 4 of us, or just Shannon and I, we're Team Westanderveltson 24/7. We eat as a family whenever possible. We travel together when we can. We holiday together. We talk about our blended family history. We share chores and space on the sofa during family movie night. We encourage each other's hobbies and extra-curricular activities. We’ve also learned the importance of including the kids' other parents in the loop. The end goal is unity and a sense of belonging, not exclusion.

5) Be yourself but don't inconvenience others.

There’s a lot of flexibility here. Kids will and should be anyone they want to be. Draw or paint pictures on your bunk beds? Sure. Fill up every water jug in the house and have a water fight outside? Giv'r. Bake all weekend long in the kitchen? Who isn't going to win from that? As long as you clean up after yourself and don’t negatively impact others, we’re all for whatever makes you happy.

This applies to day-to-day life as well. Had a rough day? Sorry to hear that. Go do your thing to cope with it. But if you snap at your sister? Not acceptable. Can't find your favorite shirt for school? Lets' see what we can do about that, but don't go pillage through siblings' drawers for an alternative. Want to read an extra 30 minutes before bed. That's great, use your privacy light so others can sleep.

The outlined suggestion above sets the foundation by which we function from day today. We build more individual, specific rules upon this guideline. Having these as our core values helps each of us navigate new situations and establish consistent boundaries.

Maybe you have some key core values that you set for your families? Feel free to comment and share! We're always excited to hear what others are doing!

Mike - The Herdfather