A Healthy Marriage Equals Healthy Kids

Married with children? Whose needs come first? Your partners or your kids? What about blended families? What about the kids you brought into the relationship? Many believe that the process of raising children is a parent's top priority. To a degree, this is true. Without kids, parenting couldn't exist. But what about this thought? What about the process of connection between the two individuals raising the children? Shifting too much focus from the ties that brought them together can lead to less of a connection as a couple. And when parents feel disconnected from each other, the whole family suffers. The stresses of parenthood can take their toll on relationships. As parents, it’s easy to become overwhelmed nowadays. Raising kids, working a full-time job, and keeping up with bills, pulls us in many directions. Presently, many parents have to double as teachers. Our homes have become our workspaces. Add in extra-curricular activities and the day-to-day responsibilities of family, and the pressure builds. When parents become inundated they grasp to find more time in their day. Often, that extra time is found by neglecting their relationship. It’s never intended to abandon or take advantage of your partner. But I think we’ve all, at one point or another, assumed that no matter what they’ll always be there. Or that they’re a constant. Or that it shouldn’t matter "how much effort I put into us, we’re married." Reality check, after your wedding day you need to make it a priority to invest in your partner and your marriage. Every. Single. Day.

How many times have you heard someone say “Well, I guess the honeymoon phase is over.” The honeymoon phase is a myth perpetuated by people to normalize their decreased effort in a relationship. Bottom line is, it’s bullshit, and it’s lazy. Don't accept loss of affection as normal. That’s a choice, not a phase. It’s not always obvious when passion begins to fade. Life is distracting. Think of it like the way the banks of a river change over time. The changes are subtle at first so we don’t notice. But over years it becomes obvious that things are different. Emotional holes form before couples notice the erosion in their relationship. Date nights become less common and the sex life starts to dissolve. Passion fades and connection is lost. Most don’t understand it could have been avoided. Open and receptive communication, attention to detail, and investment of time ensure success. I'll use one of my Wife's "love languages" as an example. If you're unfamiliar with "The 5 Love Languages" by Gary Chapman I highly suggest you and your partner read it. I've included an online link below to help you discover yours! Spoiler alert for every husband who says he can't figure out his wife, this might be a good place to start! https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/

From time to time, we like to re-evaluate our language by taking the associated quiz. Yes, as you evolve, so can the priority of your love language. We discovered the act of physical touch made up 13 percent of my wife's love language dynamic. However, this does not equal that she doesn't want to be touched the other 87 percent of the time. It just means that though not as valued as say.... quality time (which came in at 33 percent by the way) it is still an act that holds value. Simply put, my Wife's aura will shift if one of her language needs isn't being filled. Ok. What about the kids? If you prioritize your children over your marriage you run the risk of hurting both. Of course, the basic needs of children must come first. I'm certainly not advocating neglecting children’s physical, emotional or mental health. But a lot of us go can go overboard meeting the needs of our children. Truth be told, children can survive without scouts or dance lessons three times a week. They can’t survive when their family isn't on solid ground. Kids need a stable home first. Making them the focus sets a poor example for how satisfying relationships work. They need to see that you're more than just "Mom and Dad". They need to see that you're also Husband and Wife. Children require a substantial investment of our time, attention, and resources. In return, they fill our lives with joy that can’t be equaled. Putting your relationship first doesn’t mean you’re putting your kids second. By spending time to nurture your relationship you’re investing in their future. And your families! Mike, The Herdfather