BACK TO BOUNDARIES

Happy New Year everyone! Welcome back. If you're reading this, it means that you also survived 2021 and are (hopefully) onto a new year of goals and accomplishments. The start of

a new year means different things to different people. Maybe you're determined to shed a few extra pounds. Perhaps you're giving up a vice that deep down you know you're better off without. Possibly you're going to cut those toxic people out of your life. You may even decide you're going to start a blog, a podcast, or your life's calling. Whatever it is, the value in seeing it through is tremendous. And one of the best ways to execute what you commit to is to set boundaries.

In July, Shannon touched on the subject (see - "Letting Go and Setting Boundaries'). The inspiration for the blog was inspired by a post she saw on Instagram. It read -

"A big part about becoming a stepparent is being honest about how much we can handle".

If you haven't already, I strongly encourage you to go back and read it. It's very honest, very informative and I'm confident many of you will find it helpful.

Becoming a stepmom had its fair share of challenges for Shannon. But many other factors weighed heavily in the developing stages of our relationship. My ex added stress. Her ex added stress. I added stress. Our kids added stress. Our careers added stress. Our families and friends added stress. Even she added to the stress. The above quote from Instagram can relate to many situations depending on the topic it refers to. Whatever that topic is, being truly honest about how much you can handle plays a big part.

I wasn't the most supportive when Shannon approached me about her choice to set boundaries. Truth be told, I wasn't supportive at all. Not one bit. I internalized her reasons and feelings and became defensive. Listening to her speak I didn't acknowledge her struggle and the toll it was taking on her well-being. My wife, being the perfectionist that she is, had taken on more responsibility than she could manage. And yours truly had put a lot of that responsibility on her. Rather than run the risk of disappointing her husband, she gave the impression that she had it fully under control. Everything appeared fine. The truth is she needed her time and space to survive.

Coming out of this I've come to understand and respect the need to set boundaries. Setting boundaries is having the courage to care for and love yourself. Yes, it comes with the risk of disappointment to others. But establishing a clear set of boundaries for yourself doesn't make you mean, selfish or uncaring. My wife needed to set limits and expectations for herself and her life. And through it all, she was still a nice, kind, and beautiful person. Any part of it that I (selfishly and foolishly) didn't like or understand belonged to ME. Not her.

Boundaries empower you to say no to what doesn't align with your values and yes to what does. Boundaries assist in living a life that is healthy, honest and true to who you are. Boundaries keep the good in and the shit out. Boundaries help you to be the best version of yourself.

Reflecting on the stresses I mentioned above, all of these can be areas in which boundaries may be set. You don't have to like their ex. You don't have to like their family. You don't have to like their friends. You don't have to like their career. You don't have to like their kids. It usually goes a lot smoother if you do, but there aren't any laws that say you have to.

In my opinion, one of the most important boundaries you can set is the foundation of respect. Let's go through the above paragraph again and add in some respect.

You don't have to like their ex but you have to respect that they were once a part of your partner's life. And in the case of stepchildren an important part of their life. You don't have to like their family but you have to respect the important role they play in your partner's life. You don't have to like their friends but you have to respect their friendships and they shouldn't have to be abandoned. In the case of friends and family remember they have to accept and respect you too. You don't have to like their career but you have to respect the fact that they do and it's probably something they've worked very hard towards. You don't have to like their kids. No, you don't. But you have to respect that they are their kids, the most important part of their life. The adjustment you feel is probably being felt the same by them and at their level.

In a blended family, the truth is there are going to be things not to like. I don't like everything that came with my wife and she doesn't like everything that came with me. We were two complete people before meeting one another. Some things were better when changed and therefore did. The rest were accepted truths. In accepting these truths mutual boundaries were established -

"This part of your life isn't my favourite but I recognize the value you place on it."

or -

"This part of me is important to me but I understand that you have your concerns regarding it."

Like my wife said in her blog - "Trying to be perfect at something will always lead to disappointment." So will not speaking your truth. The truth about what you don't like or what you struggle with. Admittedly, as I said before, you may face some disappointment. It can be a hard conversation to have and to hear. You and your partner chose to get to this point and trust me, you'll want to get it all out and be honest with each other. On the receiving end, you will be best advised to listen with an open heart and an open mind. You don't have to like what they have to say or even agree with it. But you can still justify their right to how they feel by showing respect.

Shannon and I still have these conversations. We'll be having one the weekend of this blog. Goal setting, our vision moving forward, how to further build our family and our marriage, and yes, our boundaries. We've come to respect and understand the boundaries set for ourselves and each other. It's made our marriage healthier and stronger. And it helps us understand each other much more as well.

Now if I could only enforce my boundaries as effectively around exercise.

Until next time folks!!! Get after that new year!!!

Mike - The Herdfather