BAD LESSONS DADS TEACH DAUGHTERS

This past year I finally obtained my firearms license. Our daughters wasted little to no time entertaining the thought that "well, I guess the first thing we have to tell any boys is that Dad has a gun". I may or may not have played a role in instilling this in their mindset. Firearm-wielding fathers greeting first-time boyfriends at the door is an image that transcends time. It’s a frequent line or theme in country songs. We joke with our close buddies about how we will all show up as a militant movement of men whenever a boy may show up at the door. Don't even get me started on protective uncles and grandfathers. Funny thing is, no one I’ve ever spoken to takes this literally. It’s just an overemphasized way that we dads reinforce our desire to protect our daughters.

But I’ve noticed something in myself, and other men when it comes to teaching our daughters about boys. We don’t always endorse a high view of the young men that come into their lives. Maybe we weren't exactly the models of example in our younger days. Maybe it's just our natural calling to be protectors. Regardless of our motives, many of the lessons we’re teaching our daughters about guys are unintentionally destructive. Here are three that I have found myself guilty of (as well as some suggestions for alternatives).

Bad Lesson #1: Guys only want one thing.

Like most stereotypes, each example on this list is rooted in a bit of truth. They’re somewhat distorted views that can exaggerate ideas to the point of falsehood. Or at the very least insinuate a bad rap. Is the topic of sex a fixation for teen boys? Of course, it is. Some of this is by biological design. They’re in the developing stages of becoming young men and it's completely normal for them to be inquisitive. There's also considerable social pressure on the matter due to social media platforms, modern acceptable cultural practices, and of course, peer pressure. But it creates a misunderstanding to say that all guys want is sex.

Most (I would hope all) young men want a lot more than a physical relationship with a girl. They want friendship, acceptance, and the sense that someone wants to spend time with them. Sex is often misconceived as a shortcut in achieving these qualities. But there’s a lot more going on that should be endorsed as fathers in the building of our daughters' relationships with boys. An alternative is to have a conversation with your daughter about the pressures of sex and relationships. “Let’s talk about how you can set good boundaries for yourself and others so you don’t feel pressured" is an example of a conversation you might have.

Change the narrative by saying things like, “You don’t need to be afraid, but you do need to be wise." Encourage them that there is no rush to jump into the seriousness of a relationship. Make it clear from the beginning that they have a say in what is and what is not appropriate. Also, encourage them to share if anyone ever makes them uncomfortable. But the best example always starts with you and the way you as a man treat women. Especially your wife, partner, and their mother.

Bad Lesson #2: Guys are dangerous.

I'm not naïve to the fact that the vast majority of violence against women is carried out by men (90 percent, according to a CDC survey). Social media allows everyone a platform to speak from and many women (and men, for that matter) are finding their voices, calling out the abuse that’s been happening in plain sight for a long, long time. And that's a good thing. We need more accountability for men, not less. But that doesn’t mean guys are inherently violent or dangerous. To paint them as such is to misunderstand the cultural forces that go into shaping young men.

Our first step in this is with our sons, not our daughters. We need to ingrain in our son's respect for women and the understanding that they do not have any right to a woman’s (or any person’s) body, full stop. For our daughters, while there are no simple solutions, the example set in Bad Lesson #1 applies here as well. Be wise. Know what is and isn't acceptable. Give them the confidence that they can speak any time they feel uneasy. And as always, lead from the front.

Before I close out this second lesson I want to share one of my favourite quotes from Jordan Peterson.

"A harmless man is not a good man. A good man is a very dangerous man who has that under voluntary control."

I'm all for raising the young men of the world to be "good men" as opposed to "nice guys". I strive daily to become a better good man than I was the day prior. And a part of that involves mastering exactly what Dr. Peterson is speaking to. I won't go out and purposely seek trouble. But should trouble come to me or more accurately, threaten those I care for, I will stand between the two without question. A man shouldn't seek out a fight but should be skilled enough to end one. Be an example that is dangerous defensively, not offensively.

Bad Lesson #3: Guys are immature.

It’s certainly true that girls mature (physically, emotionally, neurologically) faster than boys. So on the one hand, when you tell your 14-year-old daughter that boys are immature, you’re not wrong. However, I believe we end up creating an environment where our daughters settle for boys who don’t strive to do better. Instead, let’s help our daughters see that while there are societal and physiological reasons some boys linger in immaturity, boys are capable of making better choices.

Rather than simply shrugging off guys’ behavior by saying boys are immature, why not encourage our daughters to raise the bar? Help them understand that some boys learn it’s OK to continue to act in that way long after it’s excusable. Empower them not to put up with that kind of behavior. Teach them to expect friends and boyfriends to make better choices. Challenge them to be more mature. And don’t waste your time with them if they won’t be.”

As a father and a husband, it's a rite of passage to tease our kids and spouses. But understand when you may have gone too far. Maturity means falling on the sword and offering an apology if a line has been crossed. Showing that while "boys will be boys" displaying integrity proves that boys can become men.

What are some examples of bad lessons you may have experienced in your journey as a parent? We'd love to hear about them.

Mike - The Herdfather