BLENDING FAMILIES IS HARD. BUT IT GETS EASIER!
I met with a friend this past week. It’s been years since we last connected, but she’s just starting the process of blending families. After reading our blog, she reached out to reconnect. I’m grateful she did. I don’t care who you are, blending families is hard. Listening to her on our walk, I realized just how far our family has come. Every step we've taken has brought us to the unified group we are today. But I didn’t reach out to others for support in the beginning. I now know the more people you can have around supporting you and cheering you on, the better.
As we spoke, I heard a few keys things that made me reflect on how we handled things. 1. Everyone has to move over. Whether his half is moving in with you or the other way around, everyone needs some space. If you’re starting fresh and moving into a new home together, it’s essential everyone has somewhere to hide. Maybe hide isn’t the right word, but everyone needs to feel they've got somewhere to go to be alone with their thoughts and to decompress from everyone else. You may need to have a family discussion about this. If you live in a smaller home and space is limited, claim your territory. If that means your room is off-limits to everyone else in the house, then it's off-limits. 2. Setting boundaries is essential. If this means you have to set boundaries for your partners' children, then set boundaries. If your partner doesn’t like it, ask them this question: Did your life change when you became a single parent? Did the dynamic between you and your child/children shift? Then of course it’s going to change when you bring another family into your home. Expecting everything to remain the same is unrealistic and foolish. Setting boundaries for the kids so that your relationship can flourish isn’t a bad thing. If co-sleeping has to stop so you can sleep comfortably beside your partner, it’s better for everyone in the long run. Your relationship warrants respect. You are showing the children to respect your relationship by setting boundaries. But it’s key both of you must be involved. If their kid(s) think you are moving in and making news ‘rules’, they aren’t going to like you very much. Explain to your partner why these boundaries are necessary and then enforce them together. This goes a long way in the children's eyes and how they come to understand the importance of ‘mom and dad’ rather than ‘parent and child’. Setting boundaries can be hard, but the long-term benefits are worth it. 3. There can be no “your kids versus my kids”. If you’re blending families, everyone is coming to the table with a history. How you parented when you were single is inevitably going to be different from how you parent as a team. Let’s focus on that word, TEAM. When you compare children, that does nothing to create unification in the family. Why are you even bothering to blend families? If you’re looking to create a TEAM or a family, there can be no yours versus mine. I’ve found that’s used when a person feels they are being attacked. They believe their parenting skills are under examination, or they feel the need to defend their child. If they step back and look at the situation, it’s not about the kids at that moment. Stop creating division and focus on one child at a time. Whether you need to create space for everyone, set boundaries, or start parenting as a team, blending families takes work. Take each day as it comes, and reach out to those around you to help cheer you on. The joy really is in the journey, I promise.
Shannon, The Herdmother
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