"BUT I SAID I WAS SORRY!"

In our last blog, my wife spoke of the carefully planned execution of the phrase "I'm sorry". As she stated, for some, it's the hardest two words in the English language for many to speak. For others, it just flies off the tongue without a thought. I'd like to speak to the latter, where I think I fall into more often than not.

Some phrases and sayings can indeed become seemingly habitual. "Ok", "I love you", "I'm sorry", etc. Our responses to any given situation can become behavioral. And while we may truly feel genuine (or at least think we are) in what we are saying, it's the effort in the delivery that drives it home. You consciously acknowledge each word as it leaves your mouth. You mean what it is you are saying.

I've sure I've said "sorry" to my wife 1000 times. But when I think back as to why, even now, I sometimes draw a blank. And really, that bothers me. I'm also sure I've apologized for a repeat offense. Did I learn anything the first time? If I've apologized for a wrongdoing, shouldn't I have known better not to do it again? What's the point of apologizing if I'm just going to do it again?!? And therein lies the disingenuous behavior of the apology. People don't want to hear it over and over again. They want to see change. If you aren't present in your regrets, you're almost certain to repeat them.

If you're wrong, then you're wrong. Just admit it, take it on the chin, and live to fight another day. You can think you're right all you want, and maybe you are. Maybe, you both are. Maybe, you both have a valid point to be made and heard. But if you hurt someone in the process, even inadvertently, it's good practice to say "I'm sorry". Otherwise, it can turn into a battle about who hurt who more pretty easily. If you're at fault, accept it and admit it. If you're not at fault, but there's still some tension, "I'm sorry, that's not how I wanted you to feel" can help ease some hard moments.

Here's another tidbit of wisdom I've picked up when apologizing to my wife. "I'm sorry" does not equal closure. A sharp word or careless deed from a loved one can leave its mark, and it's up to that person to decide when it's healed. It used to frustrate me to no end when my wife would take time to process the situation. What is there to process?!? I SAID I WAS SORRY!?! Can we not just move on?!?

An apology doesn't erase what happened. It's a start to making amends, and if it is heartfelt, it certainly paves a smoother road to forgiveness. My wife and I both detest when there is distance between us. There's a loss of balance when we aren't in sync with each other. Neither of us enjoys sitting in that funk, but we both have come to recognize the need for time and space to properly heal, and move forward together.

Don't be afraid to take ownership of your wrongdoings. Think about what you could have done differently. What part of this situation do YOU own? Don't invest all your time and energy into worrying about what's owed to you but rather what you can do to help get back on track.

Be sincere when you say you're sorry. Recognize what it was that got you in this situation. Do what you say you are going to do so you don't repeat it.

Take it from me, the best apology you can give is changed behavior.

Mike - The Herdfather