DO YOU MISS OUT BECAUSE OF YOUR BLENDED FAMILY?

All family experiences are different. But have you ever felt because you’re part of a blended family, that friends or extended family treat you differently? Inevitably there are family celebrations, dinners, and events that happen. It’s been my experience that sometimes others don’t know how to treat your blended family. I know I’m often asked which kids do you have? Will there be six of you or four? And if so, which four? It creates the impression as though invitations are limited. I can't fault those asking, they don’t know what you're experiencing as a blended family, but I would like to say, don’t treat us differently. When there’s a dinner, trip or event happening, invite us all, and we'll figure it out. Being in a blended family can sometimes feel isolating because of this.

A close friend of mine is also part of a blended family with four children. Her husband's family invites his two biological children to events but not hers. How could this not create a sense of alienation? It certainly does nothing to create a sense of unity. With nearly 50% of marriages ending in divorce, blended families are all over. Chances are if it's not your family, there's one in yours. Are they treated the same as other families within your circle?

And does money matter? When I was a single mom, I felt my invitations were limited because people assumed I might not have the financial means to attend. I think the way to handle this is to extend an invitation. If someone can’t come or if it’s financially challenging, then allow them the chance to decline.

It's hurtful finding out after the fact that your family wasn’t invited. I see my kids finding out about missed experiences and it's upsetting. Cousins spending time on trips together while mine aren't invited. But if things are discussed beforehand, and everyone's privy to what's happening, then disappointment might be there, but no one's hurt.

Communication is key to making all families work, no matter what the family looks like.

I've tried to reconcile with these limited invitations over the years. I have reminded myself of the Four Agreements. The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz is a life-changing book if you haven't read it, I recommend you do. As defined on the cover, it's a practical guide to personal freedom.

The second and third agreements speak true to me in this situation, and I try to keep them at the forefront of my mind.

#2 Don't take anything personally

#3 Don't make assumptions.

#2 Don't take anything personally. Don't make the situation about you. Try to see where others are coming from and remember that the situation may be new to everyone. Understand why you are upset and what emotions this stirs up for you. But not taking it personally allows you some detachment from the outcome.

#3 Don't make assumptions. This is where communication can mean everything. Ask for clarity in situations and don't assume you're being omitted deliberately. You can't know what others are thinking or feeling.

My last blog was about wanting to feel like you belong. In a blended family, when you already feel a little different than what mainstream society tells us a family should look like, and your extended family makes you feel distant, turn inward and create an opportunity for your immediate family to grow from the experience. Communicate openly with your kids about the struggles others might have. Help them work through their struggles with the situation so you can all move forward together as a family.

Shannon, The Herdmother.