EX-PARTNER DOESN'T MEAN EX-PARENT

Blending families can be complicated. In this blog, I want to talk about someone you will regularly deal with or discuss. Someone many people would prefer to not even think about – your partner's ex.

There's a good chance your bonus children’s other bio-parent is still a part of their lives. You and your partner will need to find a way to manage this relationship effectively. It may be that your contact with the ex is limited. Your partner will handle the required conversations and the needed drop-offs or pick-ups. There is a chance that at some point you may need to answer a phone call from them or cross paths during a pick-up. It's important that on some level you're comfortable dealing with them.

When a relationship ends regardless of their age, a child still needs consistent contact with both parents. There should be no reason you or your partner limit access to the other parent. The less a parent visits, the child may begin to feel abandoned. Children have a hard enough time with all the feelings they have to manage. Be an encouraging and supportive voice for your children.

It's also important that you speak positively about the ex, especially in front of the kids. Failure to do so impacts your relationship with your step-children. It also undermines their self-esteem. You'll put them in a situation where they may feel conflicted. It's not good for them, it's not fair to them, and it's not good for building the relationships within your family unit. If you must, save your ego-driven bitch sessions for when they aren't around. Remember that body language speaks volumes too. Children pick up on that tension more than you realize so be sure to keep it in check when bio-mom or dad is in the vicinity.

We know that children learn through watching our actions and our behavior. What our children learn from us will affect them in the future. This doesn't change as they get older. In fact, what they take can on might seem subtle but is deeply rooted.

Children learn about relationships, handling difficult situations, and conflict from the example set by the adults in their life. Parents and step-parents alike have a responsibility to consider the examples displayed in these instances. Try to remember you're helping lay the foundation for their future relationships.

The same goes for dealing with difficult situations. Being a parent isn't always easy, and life doesn't always run smoothly. There are episodes of tantrums, illness, rebellion, stress, trauma, just to name a few. There may be times when a child needs all the possible love and care from every adult in their life. A child's problems don't get left behind at one house or another. A positive view with the other side helps to facilitate the attention a child may need.

As hard as it may be, it's important to maintain a positive attitude regarding your partner's ex. By no means do you need to become their best friend. But being attentive when a child speaks of them and showing them respect will go miles in keeping the peace for all involved. When it comes to the ex, view them as your step-child's parent, not your partner's past.

Happy Blending!

Mike - The Herdfather