FOUR THINGS MY DAD TAUGHT ME ABOUT FATHERHOOD AND BEING A MAN
When I was a teenager, my Father was the least popular person in my universe. Now there were a handful of justifiable reasons for my despise. His attire to start. Acid-washed jeans LONG after they went out of style. Fluorescent and tie-dye shirts emblazoned with hot rod cartoon artwork from every car show since the dawn of man. And his outfits were paired with cowboy boots. Old, tattered, oily cowboy boots. ALWAYS. It annoyed me how he could pull it off so confidently too. His ensemble was nothing compared to my jeans with the tight roll at the bottom. What a goof.
Fast forward thirty years, and now I'm a Dad, and we still don't share the same fashion sense. His has gotten a lot better, thanks to his Wife. That doesn't mean knowledge wasn't passed on and retained that shaped my journey into Fatherhood. Here are four things my Father instilled in me about Fatherhood and manliness. In his eyes, you couldn't have one without the other.
1. Be Confident in Everything You do.
My Dad is a man. A real man's man. He comes from a time and place where it was black, or it was white, and if you don't agree, well then so be it. Remember that confidence I mentioned earlier? That's the first lesson I took from my Dad. At the time, I was intimidated. No matter how hard I tried, I believed I never met his expectations.
I understand now all my Father wanted was for me to succeed. To be confident in everything I did, win or fail. He just wasn't the best at communicating it. Tough love worked on him, so it was going to work on me. There was nothing touchy-feely about his approach. Fathers of Sons take note; show resilience in the face of adversity but remember patience and kindness in the lesson as well.
My Dad didn't care how people thought he looked. If you were going to judge him, it was going to be by his character. He was confident enough in the man he was that what he wore was irrelevant. The outfit didn't make the man. The actions did, which brings me to the next lesson.
2. Do what You say You are going to do.
How often do we commit to something only to reverse our decision at the eleventh hour?
"I know I said I'd help you move, but something's come up."
"I was going to exercise today, but I got busy."
"I know I said I'd play a game with you, but I'm really tired."
Sure, some significant situations occur that will take priority. But the value of a man's word is like a handshake. (Remember handshakes?) When you're a Father, someone is always watching the example you're setting. There's a saying (from my Father most likely) "shit rolls from the top of the hill downwards." "Shit" can reference any number of things. But in this case, the example you set, guides the ones that follow you. If you make a habit of copping out, most likely your household will as well.
3. Learn to use Your Hands.
My Father is a very gifted individual mechanically. He uses that gift in his passion for cars. For as long as I can remember he has tinkered with, stripped down and rebuilt countless vehicles. I've witnessed him strip down a car to the frame, drivetrain, wheels and steering column and then put it back together. Some of these were the family's daily driver because he recognized and facilitated a need. (More on that in a moment.) He was so passionate about cars, he made a career out of teaching autobody and car repair to countless kids for thirty-plus years.
When he first began teaching, these kids could set a carburetor. They knew the difference between a Phillips screw head and a Robertson. Kids weren't afraid to get their hands dirty and even a little cut up. It's what they did in their spare time as well. It was the product of masculine and fatherly influence. Some of which, I'm sure, came from my Dad. He always had a soft spot for the troublemakers. I can recall many students praising my father's efforts in teaching on their graduation day.
In the latter years, I believe the aptitude and attitude of students frustrated him. I recall him saying "if there wasn't an app for it on their phone, they couldn't complete the task." I can't remember a task my Dad couldn't do. If something went wrong, he fixed it. I had friends whose Dads were plumbers and electricians and I didn't know why because my Dad certainly never used them.
I have nowhere near the mechanical prowess my Father has. That instead landed amongst my brothers. But it doesn't stop me from learning and tackling little projects around the house or doing fall and spring maintenance on the lawnmower. And with the resources available (Google, YouTube, etc.) there's little excuse not to at least try to attempt. My Dad made it work with books and word of mouth.
4. Recognize Needs and Facilitate Solutions.
Like providing the family with a daily driver, my Dad worked hard to provide in other areas. We were by no means keeping up with the Jones, but he believed that "beggars can't be choosers," and there was no pride to be had in vanity. I didn't have a new bike until I was fourteen, but I always had something to ride on. We didn't have VHS when it became all the rage, but we made do with a BETA machine. My friends had the latest video game entertainment systems while we had slightly dated systems like Intellivision and an original Pong. We also had a second-hand computer that used cassette tapes to function.
Money wasn't something we had a lot of growing up. But my Dad's kids were going to have the same opportunities as everyone else, even if they were slightly dated. My Dad was the King of bartering. In exchange for work done to cars, he would often take payment in the form of a bike. Or a video game. Or any number of opportunities that we might not otherwise have the chance to experience. He took great pride in providing for our family and equal pride in the work he did to provide.
There's a lot my Dad has admitted that he would have done differently. I'm sure in time, there's a lot I too will wish I had done differently. That's all part of the journey, I suppose. Through it all and in time, I realize the goal wasn't to "be more manly" necessarily. The goal of his many lessons and, examples was to integrate my masculine traits into my character. He wanted and still wants me to be the absolute best version of myself possible. As a husband, a brother, a friend and most certainly a father. He wants me to be proud of myself. Proud to be a man.
Mike - The Herdfather
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