HARD CONVERSATIONS

Life is full of situations that involve hard conversations. Whether it be a conversation with your boss, a friend, or a loved one, having hard conversations affects us all.

What makes some conversations hard? And what do I mean by hard conversations? Basically, any conversation you'd rather not be having. Any conversation where an argument might ensue, or people's feelings might get hurt, or you risk your relationship.

There are three things you need to have a hard conversation.

Courage, trust and confidence.

It can be difficult to find the courage to have hard conversations. If you’re unsure how the other person will react, you don’t necessarily want to walk into a mine field. Likely, you also don't want to hurt the other person. Finding the courage to speak your mind to be true to yourself can be challenging.

That's where trust comes in. It’s easier to have hard conversations when you trust the person you’re speaking to. When you trust in the foundation you’ve built with that individual. Perhaps, you may have hurt that person in the past with something you said, but you worked it out, and you know you will again. You trust they won't reject you or what you're saying. When there's no trust, there's no sense of security in the outcome of the conversation, so courage lacks.

And that’s where confidence matters. Sometimes if you know the person you’re speaking to doesn’t see eye to eye on an issue, it’s hard to look past that and even want to have a conversation. You need to be confident in what you're saying and that what you're saying needs to be said. If what you want to discuss is wrapped up in a lot of emotion, I've learned to put it on the side for a few days if possible. Take some time to become more grounded in what you want and need to say. Figure out the value of sharing. If trust is lacking in the relationship, then likely the foundation isn't solid. Maybe a conversation isn't necessary if it won't change the outcome. Before you charge ahead, be confident in your feelings and what you want to achieve by having a conversation.

When you're ready to have that hard conversation, creating the mood is important. Meaning, think about anything difficult you had to talk to a loved one about. When you feel safe, nurtured, and loved, fear of the outcome is lessened. You feel more secure and less afraid of being rejected. As well, the person you're speaking to is more receptive to what you're saying when they feel safe, loved and nurtured.

I need to sit down with my children this weekend and have a hard conversation with them. I need to share something with them, and I’m not sure how they will feel about it. I want to show them the courage it takes to speak about hard things. I want them to share their feelings as well. I'm hopeful they will. I'm confident we can work through this because trust and a solid foundation are there. I want my girls to see that life has its ups and downs, its bumps and bruises. Not so they are afraid, but rather so they go out into the world knowing that life doesn't always turn out the way you imagined. And that's ok.

Shannon, The Herdmother