HELPING OR HINDERING?

I first want to commend my step-daughter Morgan for bravely sharing her feelings and experience in our last blog. PRESSING ON THROUGH DEPRESSION. You should give it a read if you haven't already, as I refer to it in today's blog.

I'm currently reading Dare to Lead, by Brene Brown. She speaks about leading through vulnerability. In my eyes, Morgan has great potential to be a strong leader.

Now on with today's blog...

I’m a lot to handle. Whether it be for my husband or our kids, I understand that I could be overwhelming for some and too much for others. There was a lot packed into Morgan's words but, one takeaway for me was how challenging it can be for her to come and go between houses. In general, walk into our house, and there's some degree of chaos going on, especially if my kids are with us as well. When my step-children walk through the door, I want them to feel welcome so, I tend to be larger than life in my actions and words. The way I say "Hiiiii" has even become a bit of a joke. I now see how this can all be a bit much. I never realized the impact my grandiose self could be having. I can still be loving and caring just not so over the top.

I'm a fixer. When I see a problem, I want to get at it, fix it, and move on. You can't do this with kids. When they come to us with a problem, we aren't meant to fix it. We're here to give guidance, love, support and ideally, let them figure it out (of course seek professional help if required). That's how they grow and figure out their place in the world. This is nearly impossible for me. I want to help in any way I can. But that doesn't mean I should.

This school year, our youngest has struggled with friends at school. Instead of leaving it alone, mama bear got involved and, as a result, our daughter started in a new class in the new year. Was this the right step to make? Am I hindering her growth or, am I ultimately helping her? Time will tell, but I wouldn't have made this move unless I thought it was the right one. But that doesn't mean it is.

Over the last couple of months, watching my stepdaughter retreat into herself was difficult. But the teenage years are such challenging ones. A child that was once quiet and shy becomes boisterous, while the once exuberant kid turns more serious. Sometimes it's hard to know if what you're watching is a 'hormonal swing', the new norm, or something more serious.

It helps to discuss your concerns with your partner but, I know as a stepmom, I've felt the intervention should ultimately come from the biological parent. The best thing I can do is support my husband, be there to listen as he manages these challenging years, and lend a listening ear when needed. In turn, I know he'll be there to offer the same.

It's a fine balance trying to figure out the needs and wants of one child. Multiply that by four and, it's a constant puzzle. You just hope in the end, you helped more than you hindered.

I feel fortunate that Morgan shared her feelings. At least then we can begin to help her in any way she needs.

Shannon, The Herdmother