HOW I ACTIVELY LISTEN TO MY WIFE

For a structurally introverted woman, my wife has a lot to say. Early in our relationship, I struggled to listen to what Shannon was actually saying. Even to this day, there are times I need to focus my attention when she begins to speak.

Mike and Shannon -Summer 2021

Jokes about husbands listening to their wives and vice-versa are as old as Adam and Eve. Recently I had my hearing evaluated for a work-related medical and found my hearing had improved. Shannon and I joked afterward that it was just the sound of her voice I couldn't hear. Even though the associated stigma is quite humorous, there's an important point to be made. One if followed could help eliminate some animosity in your relationships and your life in general.

Effective dialogue is made up of two parts; speaking and listening. I'm a pro at speaking. Absolute Legend. Listening, however, isn't always a strong suit. The more accurate term to use would be hearing. I listen just fine, but I don't necessarily hear what is being said. Now in my defense, speaking doesn't always translate to effectively communicating with someone. But if you don't hear what the words being spoken are saying, you won't get it.

I've discovered through time little "triggers" that send a signal to my brain to pay attention when my wife speaks. The easiest giveaway is when she, out of the blue, starts a conversation with "You know what I find interesting....." or "I find it quite remarkable when....." and then proceeds to follow with something she has just witnessed. Usually about me. Comments about how great I look in that shirt or how well the lines are in the yard after mowing do not start this way. No, these are observations where Shannon is questioning my reasoning and judgment.

I've found that, when under fire or criticism, constructive or not, I tend to tune people out. It doesn't matter what you're saying, my immediate reaction is a defensive one. I do not hear what you are trying to convey.

When a sensitive or personal subject is brought up, we may feel threatened. Afraid that we will be expected to change, give up a bad habit, or do something uncomfortable. If we listen defensively, we create distance. But, if we listen empathically we foster a closer connection. Anyone who wants more harmony in any relationship will do well to learn how to actively listen.

Active listening involves more than just lending an ear. It requires complete concentration. It requires giving space to the other person to speak and to be heard. Hardest of all, it requires not interjecting your thoughts and feelings at the wrong moment. Here are some steps I remind myself of when I recognize the need to listen to my wife.

1. I have to stop everything that I'm doing. I need to take the necessary time to listen to Shannon. We both strive to remain calm and keep distractions at bay so we can stay on track. You find it resolves a lot faster if the conversation is given the respect and attention it deserves.

2. I look at Shannon when she is talking. Eye contact expresses that you are ready to listen. Body language and facial expression also indicate an interest in listening. I focus on Shannon and try to push everything else from my mind.

3. I actively listen to what Shannon is saying without interruption, argument, or unsolicited advice. If I feel a strong emotional reaction to her words, I work to recognize it and breathe in and out slowly a few times to center myself. I will have the chance to express myself later, but for now, I need to listen.

4. When it is my turn, it's helpful to rephrase or repeat what Shannon said. This step encourages good listening habits. It also helps me understand her meaning and feelings. Rephrasing also helps me recognize and clarify her feelings. "What I hear you saying is (blank)­­­­­­­­­­­­­" is a good way to start my part of the conversation.

5. I confirm with her whether my interpretation of what was communicated is accurate. "Am I understanding what you are saying correctly?" This makes it clear that my interpretation is correct. Not, back to steps 3 and/or 4 we go.

6. Empathy. I need to understand Shannon's emotions in the situation she is describing. I try to put myself in her position. She has a view and is justified in being heard. I can save my advice for another day when it's appropriate AND if she wants it.

Although I'm getting better, actively listen, and hearing what my wife is saying is a work in progress. My late grandfather recognized my ability to speak early on and shared some wisdom that means more to me now than it ever did.

"Micheal, the good Lord gave you two ears, two eyes, but one mouth. Why then, is your mouth doing all the work?!?"

Translation - look and listen twice as much as you speak.

Learn to communicate with your eyes, your ears, your face, and your words. When your partner has the floor, focus all of your attention on actively listening to what they are saying.

Do you hear me?

Mike - The Herdfather