How To Co-Parent (and Step-Parent) Like a Team in a Blended Family

Since Shannon and I started OBH, there's one question we get that seems to repeat itself. "How do my partner and I successfully co-parent our kids?!?"

There is such a unique dynamic within a blended family. Two people come together, and one or both have children from a previous relationship. The said couple falls in love and dreams (hopes) of their children loving each other and their partner.

The reality is these children came from two different broken homes. Now they're coming together in a new family setting with new siblings and Mom/Dads new partner. How do you make that work? How do you become a team and turn these strangers into a family that loves, or at the very least respects one another?

The easy answer is - Trial & Error. In the early stages of your relationship, you should be asking the right questions of each other. I.E. your thoughts and views on raising kids and family. What did/didn't work in the previous relationship. Love alone doesn't guarantee blended life bliss. It's going to take patience, understanding, and some give and take. Here are a few tips on how you can make your blended family a team.

1. Everyone in the family has value. Non-negotiable. This is the most important tip there is. You can't build an effective team with people that feel they're expendable. Any member that feels this way is going to have zero interest in being a part of the new family.

2. No judging of opinions. Having a different opinion does not equal having a wrong opinion. It's simply different. If you can understand this, then it will be easier to build your team. Better yet, make sure others don’t judge by establishing a no-judge rule.

3. Understand that differences are an opportunity to grow. These different opinions need to be respected and used as a chance to evolve and change the family unit. Not judging an opinion doesn't mean you have to agree with it. You don't, but it's good practice to respect a different thought. Be open-minded when listening to new ideas. It's key in making things work for the betterment of the new family unit.

4. Don't think irrationally. As parents and partners, you must have reasonable thoughts to propel the family forward. Expecting everyone to instantly love one another is an unrealistic and unfair expectation. Work on getting them to respect each other first. Once that's achieved, move on. Use the SMART method used in goal setting. SMART stands for Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant, and Time-Bound. This will help set clear intentions, so you can continue staying on course with long-term goals.

5. Cooperation is essential. Don’t make it a dictatorship. Don't manipulate others into what you think it should be or how it should look. It’s NOT "my way or the highway". Lead by example. The moment you stop cooperating is the moment you lose all control.

6. Be willing to deal with uncomfortable circumstances. If you want to reach the end goal of a nicely blended family you need to face the hard shit. Communicate openly. That means listening effectively as well. A little empathy goes a long way here. It will be worth it all in the end. Both for the family and your relationship.

7. Be trustworthy. Parents and partners must create a space of trust. The children are going to be skeptical of everything at first. You’ll need to show them you can be trusted, and that you are willing and able to trust your children as well. Establish a clear understanding of trust between each other also that the children can see. When it becomes tangible for them on all levels, the buy-in is that much easier.

Following these steps may not make you the Brady Bunch, but it will help in creating a happy blended family. Something that at least functions and works is the starting goal here. Go easy on yourself, and everybody else. This is a significant challenge you've taken on. Remember, it's going to take patience, understanding, and some give and take. Celebrate the victories, no matter how big or small, and make adjustments when it doesn't go to plan.

Happy Blending!

Mike, The Herdfather