JUST ME AND THE STEPKIDS
Do you ever get nervous when it’s just you and your stepkids? Do you think, what am I going to do with them? Will I have to discipline them?
The other night Mike had to work. It was an extra shift in the middle of his days off. I mention this as we only have his kids when he’s off, so Tori and Morgan were with us this one night.
As Mike walked out the door, he suggested the three of us play a game together that evening. I know he mentioned this as he wants the time I spend with his daughters to ‘mean’ something.
Mike has an easy relationship with my daughters. That’s in part because they’ve spent a lot of time together. My girls live with us 65% of the time while we have his girls about 40% of the time. Of that 40%, Mike is usually there for all of it. I don’t spend a lot of time with his children when he’s not around. I do things with each of them that don’t involve their dad but he’s in the house or at least accessible.
As he walked out the door, I found myself feeling nervous. In the past, my relationship with his daughters has had its highs and lows. To no fault of theirs, some distance was created, and patching those holes took time. And as with any patch job, it always feels a little less than perfect when repaired.
The girls adore their dad. When he’s not there, it leaves me wondering if they think ‘why are we here?’
Years ago I used to think it was odd if they were going to be at our house without him there. Wasn’t the point of them being with us to spend time with their dad?
I understand now how important it is that they can be here without him. The girls and I need a relationship that doesn’t involve him. We need to find common ground so that the strength and bond we’ve created only gets stronger and doesn’t break. Having a poor relationship with stepchildren puts an enormous strain on your partnership. No parent wants to feel they have to choose between partner and child.
Spending time with my stepdaughters only means my marriage gets stronger as well. I know how much it means to Mike.
So off he went to work. Dinner needed to be made so I got started with that. I wasn’t sure a game was going to happen but during dinner, we decided to play a new game Morgan got for her birthday that none of us had played before.
Throw, Throw Burrito. If you’re not familiar, basically it’s a matching card game and if you lose, you have to face off against an opponent and throw squishy burritos at each other.
Sounds weird but it was a lot of fun. This was a good game to pick as it got us all engaging with each other and you didn’t feel bad when you hit someone in the face with a burrito.
It wasn’t much. It was an hour playing a game but we have that shared experience now. And the more time I spend with them, without Mike around, makes me feel closer to them. Less nervous about the next time.
Do you spend time with your stepkids without their parent around? Do you make a point of doing this?
We’d love to hear from you
Shannon, The Herdmother
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