Letting Go and Setting Boundaries
Earlier this week on Instagram, a post caught my attention, so I reposted it to our page.
I've thought a lot about this post. I think a big part of growing up and accepting the responsibilities of adulthood means being honest with yourself. Being honest with what you can and cannot handle.
I've done a horrible job of this in my life. One thing I've always been told is that I'm way too hard on myself. And I am. Add in the fact that I set unrealistic expectations for what I think I should be able to do, and it's a recipe for disaster.
Admittedly I strive for perfection. I understand there is no such thing as perfection, but it's hard for me to accept this about myself.
When I became a single mom, doing it all became a game. Albeit a challenging one, but I thrived on managing my life, my kids, my career, and my home. When our families blended, I tried to keep the same pace. I thought I could handle it all. I tried to be a super mom to 4 daughters, a super wife to my new husband, and still focus on my career. I will never forget when my bonus daughter Tori told me "you're a hard-working mom." I wore this like a badge. I loved that she thought this.
Who was I kidding?
Things got to the point where I was struggling. I couldn't stop thinking that I wanted my old life back. I loved my husband, but I was overwhelmed. Everything in life seemed to be so much harder in a blended family, and I was getting tired of it all. Our division of time between all kids is hectic. We have a rotating schedule that overwhelms most. I began to resent the time my bonus kids were in our home. I would find myself counting the hours until they were going back to their mom's house. I felt so angry not to have my own space. I felt like these kids had ruined my ability to do anything for myself.
[Tori has been reading our blogs, and she's been surprised by some of the emotions I've expressed. I'm writing this part especially for her. How I was feeling had nothing to do with YOU. It wouldn't have mattered who you were. It had everything to do with me. I had to own my feelings, and accept that they were ok. It didn't mean I didn't love you and your sister, but rather I needed to figure out how to still be ME.]
I realized it was time to speak to someone other than friends or family. Someone to listen to my struggles. But also someone who was there to guide me and to help shape my next steps forward. Thankfully I found a counselor who was just what I needed. She made me understand the importance of setting boundaries. (Set boundaries for yourself was tip #2 on our blog 5 Lessons Every Step-parent Needs to Learn.)
Until that point in my life, I hadn't given much thought to what boundaries I need around me and my time. I used to feel guilty saying that I needed time for myself. What I know now is, I'm a much better mom and wife when I make time for me.
My counselor also made me realize that other stepparents struggle. This might sound funny since I'm now writing a blog to share my experience with other stepparents, but I just didn't look for resources. I wasn't really on social media and I didn't know support groups existed. I didn't know other stepmoms felt the same way I did. I felt alone, and I felt horrible for feeling the way I did.
These days there's still a lot going on, and I still get overwhelmed. I'll likely always try to take too much on, but at least now I'm a little more relaxed about it. Trying to do it all leads to burnout. And not allowing the time you need for yourself is unhealthy.
Trying to be perfect at something will always lead to disappointment. Instead of trying to perfect something, I set my intention to do my best. If you set out trying to do your best, you can't help but be proud of your efforts. Nothing in life is perfect. Thankfully. As for trying to do it all, that's where asking for help comes in- which I'm slowly getting better at.
Shannon, The Herdmother
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