LOYALTY IS A TWO-WAY STREET

I used to have a boss that insisted his team owed him loyalty. To him, it was part of their job. What he didn't understand was that true loyalty doesn't work this way. It might have been their job to appear loyal, to act as a loyal person would, but it simply was not in their power to feel loyal or disloyal. Only he could control that.

While that boss believed he was loyal to the team, it only went so far. If you overstepped a certain point, you were on your own. But instructing us to feel loyal when we didn't was an unreasonable demand. It pushed the team further away and made us feel less loyal in the end.

It should be a given that if you have someone's loyalty, you have them on your side, or that your role in someone's life translates to loyalty. But loyalty isn't an on/off switch like my former boss had thought. Some friends within your circle may have some loyalty towards you. Your partner may be an utterly loyal person. So I guess the question is: what makes these people in your day-to-day life loyal?

Some people are more instinctively loyal than others. But it's key to understand that people don't choose to be loyal, they either feel it, or they don't, simple as that. Yes, you can get almost anyone around you to show you great loyalty, but to receive it in its most enthusiastic and truest form, you need to earn it.

Loyalty received is loyalty deserved. Whether you like it not, it's the only way that works. And let's be honest, why shouldn't it work that way? Think of words that prove loyalty: faithfulness, constancy, dependability, devotion, steadfastness - why wouldn't two people seek loyalty in a relationship?

Admittedly, my wife and I both have had our struggles with loyalty. As blindingly simple as it is to earn, it is equally effortless to lose. We both overstepped a certain point, which left us both feeling like we were on our own. It doesn't matter what happened, but rather the effort that went into restoring and reclaiming the loyalty within our marriage. You can apply these to anyone in your life. Just remember, take every opportunity to show your commitment to them.

Don't gossip about them behind their back or pass on rumors about them. My wife and I have a simple rule - no one knows any dirty laundry about either of us that we wouldn't tell each other first. If my wife has a beef with me it isn't being broadcast in a group chat with her closest friends. We are free to discuss our relationship with others, but only after we've been open with each other first.

Stand up for them in front of 'outsiders' - people outside of family or friends. Always have your spouse’s back. Always stand behind them when other people are around. When it’s just the two of you, feel free to be completely honest with them. In public, keep that screen up and let everyone know that you two are inseparable and an absolute stone in your togetherness and solidarity.

Stand up for them in front of 'insiders' - people within your immediate circle. Same as outsiders, but trickier. By trickier I mean it's important to be tactful and respectful as these individuals exist on a more personal level. Let's say my wife and my mother were to get into a heated conversation or disagreement. Unless her behaviour was that of some horrendous action, my wife has got my back. Sorry, Mom. I may have a conversation in private later to discuss any disappointments I might have with her behaviour, but it won't be in front of the masses. My wife gets this respect because she's given me the same. My wife and I run our marriage the same way we lead our daughters. Those who know us best, know that we put up a unified front.

Show support and sympathy when and where they need it. And don't rush in to fix the problem. Lend an ear, sometimes that's all they need. Often it's all they want. They should be big enough and mature enough to ask for help if and when they need it. Sometimes to be their hero all that is required is attentive silence.

Don't betray confidences, but beyond that, be as open as you can and co-operate with them. I'm gonna dip into the "Good Word" here as a reference - Proverbs 25:9 - pick any version you wish. Basically, in the heat of an argument, don't betray confidences. Keep that which is trusted unto you. Otherwise, word is sure to get around, and no one will trust you.

Always treat their opinions and values with respect, even if you disagree with them. My wife is a pescatarian - i.e. - fish and veggies. I am a carnivore. My wife will not eat meat (though I jokingly remind her that last I checked, fish is meat) but, she prepares and cooks it like a demon. She can cast aside her distaste to execute a delicious meal. While we both came from different upbringings with different beliefs on a variety of topics, we were both able to respect one another in those differences. You can voice your view without disparaging theirs.

Listen to them whenever they are passionate about a view, a complaint, an idea, or a project. OurBlendedHerd would have never have seen the light of day if I didn't yield to my wife's passion. It has been a key ingredient in our loyalty to one another. What started as my separate idea for just myself, she saw as an opportunity for growth and a chance to share with others. As she put it, a chance for the two of us to grow our bond and invest in our marriage.

Show that you care about them as an individual. Remember the names and details of people they discuss in a story. Ask them how that stressful meeting went that they were preparing the day prior. Boil that kettle of water when you get up for their morning ritual tea. Pay attention and follow up.

Show appreciation when they do something for you. Whether they cook you your favorite meal or replenish your favorite soap because they know you're low, don't just say "Thanks". Tell them why you appreciate it.

Some folks are going to be easier to win over than others. That's neither right nor wrong, it's simply how they're made. Maybe you both are rebuilding the bonds of loyalty in your marriage. But if you can put your best effort into the above examples for the people you live with and even work with, you'll find yourself surrounded by loyal people in your corner.

Even better, they'll know that they have you in theirs.

Mike - The Herdfather