MARRIAGE REALLY IS MORE THAN A PIECE OF PAPER
Recently some friends of mine married. They're a blended family and a heart-warming story as well. In their ceremony, they chose to wash each other's feet as a symbol of their ongoing service to one another as husband and wife. This was a representation of both their love for one another and their faith-based lifestyle. It signified the willingness to always remain in a humble position - to lift the other even if at a cost to one's self.
Sharing this story with Shannon, she joked that I would never be able to let her touch my feet. It's true. But kidding aside, how beautiful and amazing is it to share something so sacred with someone that you - at some point - identify with as a soulmate? Reflecting on this, it's astonishing, and sad the number of relationships we know that have expressed the degree to which they are unhappy.
The reasons for unfulfilled relationships are many. Parenting, finances, career demands, social views, loyalty are just a few. In past blogs, Shannon and I have both referred to the books "The Five Love Languages" and "The Four Agreements". While both are valuable tools in both family and marriage, you need to put in the time and the work for it to flourish.
Hardship in marriage is unavoidable. Life is going to present ups and downs. And sharing your life with someone else means being there in their time of struggle as well. Relationships have to go through their season of growing pains, and no two relationships experience them the same way. Some will endure them in the early stages, while others experience challenges a few years in.
Shannon and I have faced our share of hardships. I've learned when we face these challenges together, it wasn't about being right, but about being heard. Shannon and I are not the same. We differ in many ways, but more importantly, she is my best friend. She shares in and fulfills my desires. She is supportive of my hopes and dreams. But she also has the balls to tell me when I'm doing something stupid. It's understood she has my best interests in mind. The success of my last five years will speak to her wisdom. I have, and I will respect and seek my wife's counsel.
If you're experiencing hardship and are currently unhappy in your marriage or relationship, I don't have any easy answers or cures for you. Each situation is it's own. But if your idea of therapy is repeatedly discussing you and your partner's dirty laundry with your girlfriends or your buddies, you need to stop and change your tactics. It's one thing to share a moment of struggle over coffee with the hope of encouragement or some insight. It's a different monster when all you seem to do is speak negatively of your relationship and partner. No amount of coffee talk or counseling is going to help if this is the mindset.
Shannon and I have a rule, and it's a GREAT one. We don't say anything to anyone that we wouldn't say to each other about each other. That we have had struggles is no secret, but the details of those struggles are between us and us alone. If I have a problem with her, I go to her. If she has a problem with me, she comes to me. It's not always easy, and it won't be. But it is ALWAYS worth it. This is the place where marriages find strength and growth. Not on the minefields of pessimistic conversation.
So whether you choose to write your vows or wash each other's feet, it's important to remember that marriage is a service that longs outlasts the wedding day itself.
Mike, The Herdfather
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