Mom's House, Dad's House, how's this going to work?

"A good marriage takes work; so does a decent divorce".

I felt lost when I separated from the father of my children. My marriage ended poorly, and I was anything but amicable with my ex.

I was seeing a counselor at the time who recommended a book. Mom's House, Dad's House; Making two homes for your child. By Isolina Ricci, Ph.D. (The quote above is from this book.) As I read through the chapters, I felt a deepening sense of doom. How was I ever going to get my ex to understand how vital it was for our kids to see us get along?

Book, Mom's House, Dad's House

I wasn't sure he would read it, but I bought him a copy and put it in his mailbox. I was hoping he would at some point move past his anger and grief and want a path forward as well. I knew all I could control was myself. I had to create a home for my girls that was stable, safe, and loving. Mom's House, Dad's House became my guide.

I would be lying if I said it was easy to let go of trying to control what happened at their father's. My kids were young. I wanted to make sure they were eating and sleeping well. I wanted to ensure screen time was limited. What I learned was, none of it was in my control. I had to accept things would be out of my control.

I remember when the girls came home from their dad's and told me they had tried soda pop. I thought I was going to lose my mind. I was sure their father knew this would drive me crazy. But it was over. They drank pop. So what? It wasn't going to be the last time.

My focus had to be on my girls when they were with me. If I wanted respect from their father, I had to respect him as their parent. That started with never speaking ill of him to the girls. It's been said a thousand times; the most important thing is for a child to never hear you speak ill of their other parent.

In the book mentioned, Ricci suggests taking on "a new family bill of rights."

The Family Bill of Rights. As written in Mom's House, Dad's House

This bill of rights became what I strived for. It didn't matter I was on the journey alone. How I showed up for my girls is what mattered. How their dad chose to show up was his choice.

My first marriage ended 9 years ago. The first 5 years after splitting was hell. Last summer camping with Camryn and Evynne, I referred to a time "when I didn't get along with your dad." They both said to me: "we don't remember that." It seems we've come out the other end, on top. That or they'll need some serious therapy when they're older.

Today I'm happy to say their dad and I co-parent cooperatively. We sit beside each other at soccer games and cheer our girls on together. They can look in the stands and see us both with a glance and know how much they're loved. I can't ask for much more than that.

Shannon, The Herdmother