Mom, stepmom, where do I fit in?
Celebrations like Mother's Day and Father's Day can be challenging in blended families.
A few years ago, my bonus children were with their mom on Mother's Day so, I didn't see them. We had them the day before so, I anticipated them wishing me a Happy Mother's Day before they left, and they didn't. I was so upset I felt so deflated. I was trying so hard to be a caring and loving stepmom. Didn't they see that? Didn't I matter at all?
What I forgot at the time was to think about how challenging it might have been for Tori and Morgan. In our blended family, Mike and I are the only stepparents. The girls' mom isn't married, nor is the father of my kids. So Tori and Morgan have 2 moms, while Camryn and Evynne have 2 dads.
As valid as my feelings were, the girls weren't trying to hurt me. That was my ego. Tori and Morgan did need to learn that it was ok to love one mom while loving another. Showing me love didn't mean they loved their mom any less.
We went through a period at the beginning where they called me mom. After some time, they weren't comfortable with that anymore and, I became Shannon. That's ok. It doesn't matter how they refer to me, just that the girls feel loved, wanted, and accepted.
My girls have called Mike dad from the beginning and, it stuck. And it works for them. There may come a time when they decide to call him Mike. It doesn't mean they love him any less. Or that he's in any way less of a father.
We try to have all 4 girls present for any events happening in our extended family. We have some pretty crazy schedules with our kids around here. Finding a time that works for everyone to get together isn't always possible. I used to feel guilt when 2 of the kids were missing out. I had this unrealistic idea our blended family could and should be together. Just like a biological family would be for all special events.
The reality is, it's impossible to always make this work for us. We enjoy the time we can spend together as a family but understand that it won't always work out that way.
Happy Mother's Day to all the moms, stepmom's, bonus mom's and moms-to-be. There will be ups and downs, but trust me, they're worth it
Shannon, The Herdmother
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