MOTHERHOOD, A JOURNEY

I separated from my children's father ten years ago. I was then a single mom for about four years, and Mike and I have been together since. In those years, there was only a small window where I was a full-time mom. One year my girls were with us full-time but otherwise, I've been a part-time mom.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m a mom 100% of the time, but I’ve always been given nights without children in my schedule. The flexibility to do what I want, when I want, and plan for when I know I(we) won’t have kids. Nights without kids, Mike and I would plan a date night or evenings we could get together with friends. There were also nights when Mike would be working, and I had the house to myself.

As the kids have grown, changed, and evolved, so have their choices for where they want to live or divide their time in their parent's homes. The schedule we follow with my kids revolves around their father's job. It means there are times they head to their dad's for only one night at a time. Now that the girls are older, when these times fall on the weekends, they can stay a second night if they choose. It lessens them going back and forth between homes. When their dad also has time off, we alter the schedule so that it works for everyone.

For my stepdaughters, their schedule used to be dictated by Mike's schedule, but recently our oldest, Tori, has chosen to live with us full-time. We're thrilled to have her with us, but it certainly has changed the dynamics of life. All of a sudden, I'm a full-time mom again. It felt a little rusty at first, but I've gotten my footing back, so to speak.

Reflecting on who I am; how I've grown as a person; how I've changed as a mom, and as a step-mom; I'm confident when I say, "I wouldn't have handled this well six years ago."

It was hard to become a step-mom. There were outside influences that didn't want our relationship to succeed. That impacted my ability to connect to, and grow close to my stepdaughters. I wanted to respect their mom in every way I could, and in doing so, I kept my stepdaughters at arm's length to some degree.

Now that Tori is under our roof 100% of the time, I feel it's my responsibility to step up and own the role of female role model. I won't ever be mom, I'm not trying to be, but I feel able to open my arms to her and not feel the distance come between us after she leaves our home.

Something I didn’t expect to feel was that I enjoy being a full-time mom again. There’s structure, and order when you have kids all the time. Something I maybe wasn’t ready for six years ago but have appreciated having now.

Who knows what lies ahead for all of our girls in terms of where they choose to divide their time. This is one bridge, not every family has to cross. Is this something you've experienced in your blended family? Have your children changed their custody arrangements once they could decide for themselves? We'd love to hear your stories!

Shannon, the Herdmother