RELAX

Who are the best parents that you know? The ones who seem to have this uncanny ability to say and do the things that result in happy, confident, well-balanced children? Have you ever sat back and wondered what it is that makes them so good at it? Do you privately look at others that don't seem to have it together and wonder why they seem to be so challenged with parenting?

The best parents that I know all seem to have one thing in common. They're relaxed about it. The ones that appear to struggle always seem to be hung up on something. They may not be stressed necessarily about how good they are as parents (although I think some should be) but they are definitely hung up on some detail that affects their ability to be a really good parent.

Take a couple that is neurotically clean and tidy. Their kids have to remove their shoes at the door the instant they enter the home or the entire world falls apart. Even if the shoes are out-of-the-box clean. They become extremely uptight if their children leave anything out of place or make any kind of a mess (even if it gets cleaned up later). It creates an environment practically impossible for the kids to relax and just enjoy themselves, to just be kids. They're always worried about grass stains on their clothes or knocking over a glass of milk.

How about the parent that is so obsessively competitive that their children are under enormous pressure to win every friendly game they ever play. It's hard for little Billy to enjoy soccer with his friends when Mom and Dad are screaming from the sidelines. Then there's the other extreme that goes full code blue for every scraped knee and bumps and bruises their child encounters or may potentially encounter. I'm sure we all know an example or two. Maybe you even stare down at that parent in the mirror from time to time.

The really good parents I've observed, on the other hand, expect their children to be noisy, messy, bouncy and covered in mud with a few dings and scars added in for good measure. They seem to take it all in stride. They understand they have 18 years in which to mold these small and ignorant creatures into respectable humans, and they pace themselves in the process. There's no rush for them to be acting like adults - they'll get there in due time.

Between you and I, the ability to relax gets easier over time, though some still never seem to master it. It's much harder to relax with your firstborn than it is to say goodbye to your last teen to leave home. With babies, you focus on the essentials - a healthy baby that's not too hungry and just comfortable enough - don't sweat the rest of it. So what if the buttons on the jumper aren't lined up right or you forgot to bathe them today. They'll forget to bathe themselves when they're older too. Big deal if they use their toe to open the window in the minivan from their car seat while you're in the carwash (yeah, that happened).

I'm not saying to throw caution to the wind. Yes, there needs to be some sense of purpose and structure. But take it in stride. Let them run ahead of you a little from time to time. See what path they choose. So they might eat a little dirt or break a dish. Kids still need to be kids. Some of life's lessons they are bound to discover on their own. It's not always easy but as long as they know they have you to fall back on for assurance and guidance they'll turn out OK. But at the end of what seems to be the most exhaustive of days, share a glass of wine or your favorite spirit with your partner (no, I'm not advocating the use of alcohol to get you through parenthood). Sit back and kick your feet up. Relax and enjoy the journey of raising your children. You should be able to cheerfully look back and say "What the hell, they're still alive so we must be doing something right."

Mike - The Herdfather