TEST YOUR MARRIAGE...TOGETHER
That's right, I said it, and I stand by it - test your marriage. I also said and stand even more by this - test it together. The together part of this equation is key. There are many ways in which a marriage can be tested. Some are negative with far more negative consequences such as financial mismanagement, infidelity, addiction and abusive behaviour. Such examples can be a lot harder to bounce back from, even in the most determined of marriages because one of the key cornerstones has been eroded - trust.
There aren't enough words to put to paper that will tell you just what trust means to me when it comes to the relationship I share with my wife. Of all the qualities that make up the sanctity of marriage, next to faith, trust is by far the most important. Trust is an indispensable ingredient in building and maintaining a healthy marriage. Trusting one another is one of the most important elements of your relationship and a crucial element of any lifetime commitment.
Without trust, the quality of your relationship will deteriorate. In previous relationships, it's been taken advantage of by both me and my partners. It's even been questioned in our marriage. Those decisions and actions that led to it being challenged, though human, were no more justified nor excusable, and accountability and integrity had to be restored. What Shannon and I share today in marriage is built on a solid foundation of trust. No grey areas, no lip service, no bullshit. 100% she and I are on the same page - trust.
I'm going to share with you a couple of examples we've experienced that seems a simple enough test of confidence, patience and resilience in marriage. Admittedly, looking back, these examples had their humorous aspects but proved challenging at the moment and put our patience and egos to the test.
If you want to challenge yourself, your spouse, and your marriage, do one of the following:
A) Build a trampoline together.
B) Coach a girl's soccer team together.
If you're really wild and daring, do them both. Just don't hold me accountable for the outcome.
Oh sure, at first glance they sound incredibly simple and rewarding. We thought so too. How hard can it be to set up a trampoline with your partner? How can inspiring and leading a youth girls soccer team become a taxing experience?
You head into constructing a trampoline thinking you'll be the hero parents of the neighbourhood only to find that 2 attempts and 3 recalculations later, a little quiet time from one another might be warranted. You may learn a colourful word or two. You may even discover that deep inside your beautiful wife (who normally exemplifies grace under pressure) lives a fire-breathing dragon that doesn't respond well to the phrase "just calm down."
Lesson learned.
You step up and fill a community gap in coaches for your local girl's soccer team with your wife with zero previous experience and skill outside of kicking a ball.
What could possibly go wrong?
Well if you're both competitive perfectionists, it turns out the drive back home from practices and games can be awfully quiet. And if three of your four daughters are on the team, one of them is guaranteed to point out the fact that there is an apparent and awkward tension.
Lesson learned.
But the trampoline got built. Correctly. And the next couple of years proved more successful and cooperative in the construction of it (it helped that we kept notes about the proper way to set it up).
And the girls had a fun season of soccer. We even won silver in the final tournament. And having someone alongside that strived to see these young girls use their full potential as well as learn respect for the game, sportsmanship and teamwork was key to their success. And ours.
There are and will always be tests waiting to throw themselves into our plans, and we've come a long way as husband and wife in dealing with them effectively. We've placed a lot of value on our trust in each other. She's got my six and I hers. Bring it on. We've got this.
Though we may be competitive individuals our marriage isn't a competition to see which of the two of us is the better spouse, parent, coach, or community leader. There are many, many things that my wife excels at that I gladly acknowledge because it's a strength that she possesses. And having her put those strengths into action blesses our marriage and our family. She'll acknowledge the same for me. We complement one another both literally and figuratively in that sense.
So whether it's moving a couch around a stairwell, starting a blog, painting the walls of a kitchen, or coaching a team together, go ahead and test your marriage. But do so with grace, patience and understanding. Remember who your teammate is. They stand to win or lose just as much as you.
And as for that trampoline?!? Well, it's a memory now. Sold off to bring a few more years of joy to another family.
I hope they've previously tested the waters of their marriage.
Keep fighting (for your marriage)
Mike - The Herdfather
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