THE ABC'S OF OVERCOMING AGONY
Updated: May 6, 2021
“Life is unpredictable. It changes with the seasons. Even your coldest winter happens for the best of reasons. And though it feels eternal, like all you’ll ever do is freeze, I promise spring is coming, and with it, brand new leaves.”
- Unknown
Fact - Life is unpredictable.
We've all been there. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining. Birds are singing. Your team made the post-season. Your mower started on the first pull. Life... is... good. Everything is going exactly as you planned. Then, out of the blue, your whole world crashes down.
Agony presents itself in many ways. Loss, defeat, suffering to name a few. No one is immune to the reality of agony. For most, the effects pass with time, but for some, breaking free from its clutches feels hopeless.
This past week, someone asked me how I got over the breakup with the woman who is the mother of my two girls. I had never envisioned the two of us separated. Something I identified with as a sure thing was no more. Everything was moving in slow motion. My life, which felt like it was in shambles, surrounded me in pieces. I had no idea where to start putting it back together or if I even wanted to. There was a constant heaviness. As much as it worked out for the better, it was a time of uncertainty.
"How do I move forward after this? "
To start, I expressed how I felt (to myself and others) and sought counsel. I had to check my ego and my pride to admit my feelings existed and were valid. This action forced me to ask the question - Where do I go from here? The answer presented itself in three parts.
- Acceptance
- Betterment
- Companionship
A, B, and C.
In the face of adversity, it’s very simple and “safe” to be still. It’s actually quite important in the initial stages of grief. You allow yourself to process emotions and thoughts. The decision to move on was challenging. Moving on meant change. Change meant accepting my situation. Accepting my situation meant being ok with what it was as hard as it was.
Acceptance didn't mean giving up. It didn’t mean failure. It didn't lessen the impact or the importance of the circumstances. Acceptance was neither weak nor passive. Acceptance was the foundation on which to build something new. Acceptance freed me from investing all my energy in resisting my reality.
I knew I had to acknowledge the truth even though I didn't like, agree or approve of it. Accepting the truth was difficult. It hurt and was uncomfortable at first. Finding the courage to do it revealed the long-term benefits waiting for me. Acceptance was the key to regaining happiness and the freedom to push forward.
The hardest part about acceptance was that it was all on me. No one else was going to do it for me. Betterment and companionship helped distract me from the negativity. Betterment kept me focused, companionship kept me motivated.
Betterment as defined is the act or process of improving something. For me, it was spending more time playing the guitar. It was reading books, both self-help and fiction. It was long walks. It was ax-throwing with friends. It was me working on myself as a father, a friend, and a man. Fast forward and it was also positive healthy life choices. Exercise, diet, meditation, and so on. It was the turning point for me that brought me to this very moment. Betterment was me investing in areas I had been neglecting. Betterment was me investing in myself.
(Below is a link with some great examples of self-betterment!)
What about loneliness associated with the loss of companionship?
What about the gap left behind by someone I shared an intimate relationship with?
I longed for social interaction but was wise enough not to fill the void with a rebound relationship. I'm blessed in that I have a trusted circle of friends and family. They were great to be around and offered support in my time of need. They were empathetic, without being sympathetic.
Surrounding myself with good people built me up and kept me encouraged. It reminded me to be strong and a source of affirmation for my daughters. This was harder on them than it was on me. Knowing I had to be positive for them was humbling. Whether they were with me or their mother I conducted myself as if they were always watching. I made this attitude habitual. I opened myself up to becoming a transparent, and vulnerable man. We'll touch more on that in the future.
When faced with suffering, find a way to overcoming. Be courageous enough to accept it as it is. Be strong enough to become better through it. Respect yourself enough to trust in others close to you.
Challenge is inevitable.
Defeat is optional.
Ride or die Brothers, I got your six.
Mike - the Herdfather
Comments