5 LESSONS EVERY STEP-PARENT NEEDS TO LEARN

Struggling with step-parenting?

It was hard becoming a stepmom. Mike and I had this amazing love for each other. One of the things I loved most about him was how much he strived to be a great dad. But on the flip side, I didn't adjust well to having his kids in my life. I felt a lot of guilt towards this. How could I love this man, and love being a mom but not feel the same towards his children?

For years I had been a single mom. When my girls were at their dad's, I traveled for work, visited friends, did what I liked. Suddenly I had to be a full-time mom, and I wasn't used to that.

As much as I wish I could say I did a great job of moving over, I didn't.

Here are the 5 lessons I learned along the way.

Shannon, Tori and Morgan in the early years.

1. Kids are just kids.

They didn't ask their parents to separate any more than they asked to have their time split between homes. Cut them some slack, and remember they are just kids. If you need space, create that for yourself in your calendar.

2. Set boundaries for yourself.

I just said it. Create space for yourself in your calendar. You're never going to love your new family if you don't love yourself enough to say: "I need me time."

One of the reasons I didn't adjust well to having Mike's kids around is that I forgot to schedule time; for myself. Once I set boundaries around my time, my frustrations lessened.

3. Give the kids time to develop trust in your relationship with them.

You have a new love interest but that doesn't mean the kids do.

Mike had been single for 6 months when we met. His daughters hadn't healed from the wounds of their parent's splitting. They weren't in any way able to trust me. Their world was unstable. Why would I be any different? It took them a long time to trust me. They had to trust I wasn't going anywhere. They needed time to see what Mike and I had was the stability they needed. In time they could see I make their dad happy. And the trust came. Bottom line, you can't rush it.

4. You and your partner had better be on the same side.

No matter what, Mike has always stood by me. If any of our kids, usually mine, are being cranky with me, Mike is the first to say something. And vice versa. Show your partner respect, and the kids will, as well. It doesn't mean I always agree with Mike but have a united front and then discuss it with your partner later.

5. No matter what you do, you'll never be their biological parent.

When I met my bonus babies, they were 6 & 7. Those are hard ages to see your family dissolve. The girls didn't want to like me. They were hurting. Here I was, trying to bring rainbows and butterflies into their broken world. So don't take it personally if the kids don't like you. If you have shown them love and respect then honor that in yourself. They will come around in time. Find shared interests between you and them. Create new memories and focus on the relationship you're building. Make them understand they're a priority.

Shannon- The Herdmother