TO BREED OR NOT TO BREED?

If you’re someone who wants children, you generally want to do it with your life partner. But what about when you meet, and you both have kids already? Do you choose to have kids together or not? And if not, will you wish you had?

These are all questions I've asked myself. Multiple times.

In Mike’s last blog, ONLY MAN STANDING, he mentioned the thought of having a grandson someday. But what about the two of us trying for a son?

Mike and I were 40 when we met. That first night I laid it out on the table. I don’t want any more kids. Or should I say, I don’t want to birth any more children. If this was going to work, I told Mike from the beginning, he would be getting a vasectomy.

Vasectomy complete, we married at 41. The following year, Mike started telling me how much he wished we’d considered having a child together. I’m not going to say the thought hadn’t crossed my mind. It had on several occasions. Here was the man I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. The only thing that seemed to be missing was having a child to call our own. We even picked out names for the imaginary child- boy and/or girl.

I could have been swayed. Maybe. Talk of reversing the vasectomy floated around and I truly considered it. While not a walk in the park, my 2 births couldn’t have been a better success. I didn’t love being pregnant like some women do but it would have been doable.

So what stopped me from saying let’s take the plunge?

1. Having a baby at 42 would be vastly different than having one at 32. I would be considered a geriatric pregnancy and likely unable to birth at home as I previously had. And bouncing back from a baby at 42 wouldn’t be easy. Mentally, I didn’t feel up for the challenge. Sleep deprivation is something that feels like it can take years to recover from. A newborn meant no sleep. Sane or not, this frightened me.

2. We have 4 amazing daughters who would have soon been pre-teens and teens. They would need our full attention through these challenging years.

3. Kids aren’t cheap. It had been years since there was a baby in the house, all baby stuff had disappeared. This would mean starting from scratch. And we would be raising a fifth child.

4. I don’t want to be 60 with a child potentially still in high school. Mike and I got a late start together. I want to spend some glory years with him without kids in the house. No slight to our children but we do dream of days together just he and I.

5. Chances are we would have another girl. (Just kidding here. A healthy baby would be all we asked for- but a son would be icing on the cake- so to speak).

These reasons seem a little selfish now but, my discussions with Mike about how I was feeling, ultimately led us to decide we wouldn’t have a child of our own.

Reflecting on that choice, I believe it was the best choice for us all. But that said, not having Mike’s child will be one of the saddest things not to happen in my life. Just to be able to share in all of the precious moments. From start to finish.

Next year we plan to get a dog. Or maybe two if Mike gets his pick.

Shannon, The Herdmother