WHAT SCARES ME MOST AS A DAD

As a father to two daughters and a step-father to two more, you'd think that I have a lot to worry about. Yes, hormones and emotions are running wild right now within our four walls. Outside of that, I believe I have a pretty good handle on this whole dad-of-daughters thing. I'm doing my very best to raise respectable, responsible young ladies to send out into the world.

We live about a four-hour drive from the Rocky Mountains, some of the most beautiful country you'll ever see. The beauty and awe of it all is something that lures my daughters and me to them a couple of times a year. We take in the sights and sounds of towering pillars of stone, rushing water, and wind in the trees along with the smell of fresh mountain air.

It's the perfect way to recharge the mind and the spirit. For me, it feeds the very soul of being a man. More importantly, it disconnects us from the modern world. There's no technology other than to snap some photos of our escapade. We decide what trailhead we want to hike, and my girls take the map and lead the way. It's never been a "Great we're here. Let's get this done so we can get back to the car and go home" situation. More often than not, they want to carry on further than our schedule will allow.

But the greatest part of a day in the mountains with my girls is it gives us a safe place to talk. More so, a safe place for them to talk to me. I've had some hard conversations with my girls. Discussions where they had to be brave, transparent, and vulnerable with what they were sharing. It's not easy to hear the hardships of your children, but's it's certainly better than not hearing them at all. The remote serenity and security of the wild encourages a unique opportunity to open up and talk. They can share difficult experiences with me, and I can share mine with them. When we're done, we leave the problems in the wilderness and walk out with solutions.

Even my step-daughters and I have had some heart-to-hearts. Though I am an active part of their lives, I believe because we don't share a biological bond, there's an ability to talk on a real level. My girls have the same connection with their step-mom.

And despite all this, therein lies my greatest fear as a father. Losing that connection with my daughters. There are moments where I know in my heart and soul that something is bothering them. They're just off. Sometimes it's hormones. Sometimes they just want to be quiet. But deep down inside, we know when something is troubling in our children's lives.

I used to make the terrible mistake of trying to make them talk to me. I was overbearing and very persistent in trying to get them to open up. If they just shared with me what was troubling them then I could fix it, and they could go on with their day, and I could go on with mine. How else am I supposed to focus on my stuff when I have them to worry about? My girls would see me frustrated and angry with them, and that did nothing but create a safe place to feel secure.

Children are people too. The harder you push them to talk about something, the harder you push them away in the process. You can't guilt them into opening up about their feelings. Their young hearts and minds are trying to process and understand what it is they're going through. As hard as it can be to watch your child hurting, the best thing you can do for them is be patient. The harder you push, the more you remove the chance for connection.

You can tell them you feel that something is bothering them. You can tell them it's ok to talk about it. You can ask them what it is. But from there, it is up to them. Tell them you understand and are willing to listen to them whenever they are ready. You can check in with them too. You can tell them that going through problems is normal. And you have to respect the fact that sometimes they just want to be private.

I've found great success in adhering to the above guidelines. My girls and I have shared some real eye-opening admissions. I've been allowed to share with them. Successes and failures. For a parent to appear like a real-life human being I think, is a relief for children. They don't feel so alone in their challenges. They see an everyday real-life example of "this too shall pass". (I'm going to share more on fathers talking to teenage daughters soon)

The older the girls get, the more independent they become. As they discover their paths they will discover their voice and with that their way of solving problems. They won't always need me, and that's a freedom I have to give them and a reality I must accept. But I will always be Dad. They know I will always be there to listen, and the mountains will always be there to provide a safe refuge for us both.

Mike - The Herdfather