WHEN YOUR KIDS LEAVE

Last night I hugged and kissed my bio babies goodbye. They're off on holiday with their dad and won't be back for nine days.

Nine days is a long time.

When their dad and I first separated, I recall how hard it was to go a day without seeing my kids. Being a mom means I was supposed to be there. Able to give a loving hug whenever I wanted or needed it. It wasn't supposed to mean; living miles apart for X number of days each month. And what kind of damage was this doing to my kids? Would they struggle with feelings of abandonment? I wrestled with these thoughts constantly.

Each time I dropped them off, I would have to forget my heart was being left behind and focus on the next few days. I would keep myself busy so the days would pass quickly. The schedule is such that they spend five nights at their dad's before coming back to my home. By the fifth night, I always get antsy. I guess I've gotten used to so many days in a row. But no more than five.

Then came the summer holidays. Each summer, their dad would take the girls for about a week at a time. I was always happy they were going away and would be having fun, but I knew how much I would miss them.

I have friends who always felt envy when their ex took the kids on a trip, but I never felt like I wanted to join them. I was just sad I was missing time with them. Those 2-3 extra days are the hardest. And this year there are four extra nights! I will be very happy to see them come home.

Mike has always appreciated having my girls around when his girls are at their moms. He says it makes him miss his girls less. I've never really shared this sentiment. Don't get me wrong, when my bonus kids are in the house, it's a lot easier to forget my girls aren't there. But when my girls are gone, there is a void, no doubt about it. Sometimes I wonder if the void has a name, guilt. Is it the guilt that makes the void feel so large? Remember being a mom means I'm supposed to be there.

As my children age, I know it's healthy for them to have time away from me. Time away from all of their parents. Time to figure out who they are and who they want to be. It doesn't mean it gets any easier for me. But I'm starting to feel less guilt when I'm not around. Does that mean they're growing up or I am?

Shannon, The Herdmother