WHO'S IN CONTROL?

Teenagers...

If you asked them, it’s all about who’s in control, right? It sure feels that way in our home sometimes. Don't get me wrong, I think we have four great daughters. But there are days when their teenage ways love nothing more than to push the envelope. Even the eleven-year-old has her pre-teen moments. Giddy up.

And truth be told, it's kind of a rite of passage. I can certainly remember giving my parents a run for their money when I was that age. Every gray hair on my father's head tells a story, and I am most certainly the author of some of them.

Now admittedly, my recollection of my teen years may be a bit foggy. But I do not recall the desire to be stuck within the white picket fence of discipline. My wife, however, has a very unique and eye-opening view on the subject. Whereas I carefully tested the limits, she believes teens, kids in general even, like to have structure. And she isn't wrong.

They appreciate clear and understood confines in which they may be allowed to conduct their business. Stay within the lines of expectation, and all is well. Step outside the box and face the potential consequences. I knew full well growing up that any discovered deviation from expectation could be met with the strong right hand of parental justice... literally.

So we know a well-established circle of acceptable doings is a pillar in building respectable teens. But what else? As a dad, I've found a strong approach in this field to be a kind of paradox. Simply put, to be an effective parent of teenagers is to master the art of self-control.

It’s a true come-full-circle epiphany. And it's not about teaching our teens to have self-control. While that is important, it’s about parents being capable of controlling themselves. Trust me, if you want to foster a closer relationship with your teen you need to become a black belt in self-control. An absolute warrior. This is especially helpful in those moments when it seems all teens want is to pull away and shut us, parents, out.

So what does this self-control look like? Here’s an example that illustrates this example well.

A father and mother were at their wits’ end concerning their daughter. Her behaviour was irresponsible and disrespectful. More and more, things seemed to be quickly going south. They needed to step in and do something before it tore the family apart.

One day they decided that it was time for some “tough love,” so when she came home that evening, they’d give her an ultimatum. She would make certain changes, or she would move out.

As they waited for their daughter, the dad took a sheet of paper and began to list the changes she’d have to make to stay. It was an excruciating experience because he couldn’t imagine that she’d agree to his demands. The more he wrote, the more it seemed clear she would have to move out. Time spent with, and influence on her would be reduced, or worse, taken away completely. Who knows where that would lead her?

Then, as they continued to wait, something prompted him to turn the page over and make another list. This time, he wrote down some of the things he would change if his daughter agreed to the items on the other side. When he finished, he was in tears. His list of changes was longer than the one he’d made for his daughter.

She did eventually come home. And because of this dad’s broken and humbled spirit, their talk was heartfelt and meaningful. Instead of starting with finger-pointing and ultimatums, he began by going through the items on his side of the paper. He wanted to change and grow. His daughter saw his sincerity, and she was more open to making changes herself.

Do you see how self-control is so important for parents of teens?

It’s a painful reality that when our children get to this age, we can’t “run” them; they run themselves. Yes, we can make decisions that impact them, and sometimes “tough love” is the best course of action. But we can’t force them to change. What we can do is change ourselves and how we respond to them.

That’s how we can earn the right to walk alongside them in their journey to adulthood. And I bet they’ll be glad we’re there. I bet we will be too.

What’s your best advice for overcoming control battles with a teenager? Leave a comment or reach out to us on Instagram @ourblendedherd.

Go get em' Warrior.

Mike - The Herdfather