WHO'S THERE?

A child's life can be challenging when split between two homes. My girls' mother and I live about 30 minutes from each other. To me it's nothing. To my daughters, it may as well be across the ocean. Their school is by their mom's house. So are all their friends they go to school with. And their cats. And their other stuff. And their mom. To a child, these are all important things in their day-to-day life. When they are with me their time with them is limited. It's one factor they can't control.

This past week I shared a post on Instagram about a weekly text I have with my oldest daughter before I pick her up. In that text, she asks me the same question - "Are the girls going to be there?"

Now I will be completely honest with you and say there was a time where this question got under my skin. If you and your partner are trying to manage a blended household of one preteen and three teen daughters, your goal is for them to get along. All in all, that goal has been met with success. The joking around and laughter coming from their rooms could fill our house for days! So why the repeated question week after week? You like them, who cares?

She can be a particular person, my eldest daughter. Quite set in her ways. Don't throw change into what she's expecting or it will throw her off. And when she isn't sure what to expect, she asks. She has never been the "I'll just find out when I get there" type. It's about details - who, what, where, when and why.

I've come to understand that asking who will be around when she comes over is one way she tries to maintain what control she has. Her mental and emotional control of what to expect. She's preparing herself for the transition from Mom's house to Dad's house. And it's much more than just a headcount to her.

It's trying to determine how much time she will have with me. To her, more siblings in the house means that Dad's available time will be divided and she needs to know she will have her share. To her, it's wondering how many of the nights she will be sharing a room with her step-sister. As good as the two of them get along, a night alone is a night of privacy and being a somewhat reserved soul, she values the time she can find to be alone.

I've learned to simply just answer her with the truth but have other tools she can use as well. My wife has our scheduled times with the girls on a planner on the fridge. This helps plan the month ahead. We know what activities and events are coming up, how to plan meals, and even when we might be able to find a night to ourselves with zero children.

My daughter can also see ahead of time what her days with us will be like too. I go over it with her as well and we plan the time that will be just for the two of us. Once it makes the calendar in our house, all hands are on deck to see it through.

But she'll still text me like clockwork in the moments before I pick them up. And I think it's a great thing my daughter is comfortable enough to reach out and inquire about the visit ahead. She didn't ask for this life or the challenges that come with it. But she does want to control what parts of it she can. And if that helps her find a little peace, then I'm all for it.

Cheers,

Mike - The Herdfather