WHOLE AND COMPLETE
Dating and relationships can be challenging the more life experience you have. You may be wiser to the ways of the world and, for most, have an established life path you're aiming to follow. But chances are you have a schedule that isn't as open and available as it was in the days of your youth. If you're divorced you may have some pre-determined thoughts of how you look at potential partners. If you're a parent in a dating situation, you're most likely looking out for the well-being of your kids as well. Settling down with a mate and blending a family as we did, takes a special kind of commitment.
If you know us or our story, we married a year to the day that we met. That's not a lot of time to date someone. But when you're both forty years old and have two daughters each, you have a pretty good idea of what you're after in a life partner. That's not to say the early years of our marriage weren't without their struggles. We can honestly admit that some struggles put us in a precarious situation.
Like many romances, ours too had a "honeymoon period" that lost its luster and became more work than was enjoyable. Yes, relationships take work. But it shouldn't be the type of work that forces you to tolerate the situation you're in. Effort without reward isn't enjoyable. A relationship shouldn't live paycheck to paycheck, doing the absolute minimum to get by.
I can proudly say that our marriage has been a strong, unstoppable force for some time now. And it's getting stronger every day. It took both of us to build it back better and stronger. I'm not a relationship coach by any means, but there is no better teacher than experience and no greater gift than to share that experience with others. So, from the ashes to where we are now, here is the most valuable lesson I learned along the way. It doesn't matter where you are on the dating spectrum. This information applies to everybody.
Marriage isn't about math. It's as simple as one of two choices; all or nothing. The idea that 50% plus 50% equals 100% in relationships is complete horseshit. There's no half of you, and half of them makes one whole. You have to come into your relationship at 100%. They have to come in at 100%. THAT makes the whole. The concept of "they complete me" sounds romantic and has been blown up by fairytales and Hollywood to sound more endearing than it really is.
Admitting that someone completes you should be a major red flag. You should be whole and complete, and confident in yourself before pursuing any relationship. You do not need to find that special someone to be happy. It's unfair to put that kind of pressure on anyone. You should be a complete and whole individual just as you are. Being so will attract a higher caliber partner that naturally will improve the dynamics of a relationship. Simply put, they don't complete you, they complement you. They enhance you by providing something additional.
My wife is not the center of my world, and I don't want to be the center of hers. If you asked her, she would say the same. We both come in at 100%, whole and complete, just as we are. Being whole and complete we can serve each other better as husband and wife. We can lead each other and our children more effectively. We contribute more to our marriage because we aren't seeking to be fulfilled by the other.
My wife has bad days, and being whole and complete I am far more effective at helping her through them. I have bad days, and being whole and complete she is far more effective at helping me. But what if neither of us was and we both were having a shitty day? I can't give her anything and she has nothing to give me. Where's the value in a relationship if that's the case?
I was complete (a work in progress truthfully, as was she) before our first date and am complete today nearly six years later. The same goes for my wife. We could love anyone we choose, and we chose each other. Choosing to be together is rewarding and only serves to enrich a friendship that is the basis of our marriage. We don't need to be married. We choose to be married. We want to be married.
Needing to be married sounds so confining and desperate - I'm not complete unless we're together. Or worse yet, you're together as a result of convenience. Any relationship based out of need is sure to be unfulfilling and almost guaranteed to be unsuccessful. If I needed her to love me, or vice versa then that only leads to a relationship that becomes draining and hopeless. In a relationship of need, the balance often shifts, and disagreements never get resolved until the need is fulfilled. And when it isn’t a marriage falls apart.
You already have everything you need. If you disagree, no one person but you are going to fill any voids unfulfilled. No one knows you better than you. If you can be whole and complete on your own then you can find someone of the same value. Together, you can enhance each other in a pretty amazing relationship.
Mike - The Herdfather
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