YOU ARE WHO YOU ARE, BUT SO ARE THEY.

Everyone is made up of a unique blend of genes, upbringing, and experiences. None of which can be changed. Together, this mixture of ingredients makes you the extraordinary and unique person you are today.

If you had eggs, flour, butter, sugar, and cheese, you could make a cake or an omelet. But you need to know the ingredients used in each. There isn't a lot of room to maneuver when working with a preset group of ingredients.

The same is true of people. They are who they are. A given set of genes and a particular history of experiences. Most of us don't spend a lot of time thinking about what made us who we are. We, therefore, limit how much control we have with how we behave, react, feel, cope, or function.

It's easy to look at other people and think they shouldn't behave a certain way, but in reality, they haven't got much choice. Yes, you might think that you'd act differently than them, and you'd probably be right. Why? Because the raw ingredients of YOU are different. They might make a cake and you might be an omelet.

It's not to say that we can't learn to change if we want to. We can choose to expose ourselves to circumstances that would enable us to do that. Maybe we can't make that choice right now - the right ingredients need to be present to make the change.

Where else is a perfect arena to witness this variety than in the blended family? Two existing families, differing genes, experiences, and beliefs looking to mix the ingredients that make them who they are. Is it any wonder that perfect harmony within the blended family dynamic can be so tricky?

It's important to remember that people don't have the same choices as you about how they behave. It's unrealistic to expect someone to magically become a different person because it suits you. Maybe your partner isn't as clean as you around the house. Maybe your child (or stepchild) struggles to respect you. Maybe your parents (or in-laws) always choose to criticize you rather than praise you. The sooner you accept them as they are, the easier it will be for you. You're going to drive yourself mad trying to make them who you think they should be. They already are who they are.

Now while this sounds depressingly unhopeful, I believe there is a silver lining. You can try to influence their behavior as opposed to trying to change their character. You might persuade your messy partner that there would be fewer arguments if they behaved a little more tidily. It may not be who they are and they might struggle with it if they're stressed or in a hurry, but it might work. Remember, people are a product of their experiences. If you can help influence their behavior for the better, they'll have new experiences to match. Your partner can now experience what it feels like to function in a clean, efficient, and organized environment. What they once avoided, for whatever reason, they are now seeing as beneficial. Better yet is if they believe it to be beneficial.

On the contrary, they might not. Something might happen that reinforces those old feelings of being constrained and structured that they've always fought against. Don't assume a change of behavior will equal a change of character. It most likely won't. But maybe then you could change YOUR behavior and become just a little more tolerant?

Until next time.

Mike, The Herdfather