YOU’LL NEVER BE PROUD OF THIS

When it comes to parenthood, few topics are universal. But here’s a big one - not once have you lost your temper with your kids and felt good about yourself afterwards. You never have, and you never will.

Losing your temper never makes things feel or seem better. You'll never achieve what you hope the result will be. It's not a source of pride, and it's never a good look. You may get your message across but chances are, it wasn't productive.

But like history, here we are, yet again, repeating ourselves by getting upset. We raise our voices. We point our fingers. We foolishly choose words that only make matters worse. We issue ultimatums in frustration (more truthfully, desperation). Out of anger, we make unrealistic and unnecessary demands. And we do this again, and again, and again.

We all know that we’ll regret it. We all know we’ll feel bad about it later. We all know it risks sending the wrong message. And we all know that they will take it hard. Even worse, we all know that over time the actual issue is going to look smaller and smaller. The only thing that ends up remaining with any degree of permanence is the memory of anger. YOUR anger. So what if we didn’t do it anymore? Or at the very least, what if we tried hard, really, really hard to give in to it much, much less?

Mr. Rogers spoke to generations of children about “what to do with the mad you feel”. As adults, we have to figure out what to do ourselves. We need insertion points. We need to take pauses. We need to take a deep breath and count to ten. We need to master catching ourselves before our temper sinks its claws into us and takes over.

I have observed that those who have accomplished the greatest results are those who "keep under the body"; are those who never grow excited or lose self-control but are always calm, self-possessed, patient and polite.

- Booker T. Washington

One way that I've learned to harness and guard myself emotionally is through the practice and study of stoicism. Stoicism is a philosophy of personal ethics and a methodology for seeking practical wisdom in life. A key principle of the ancient Stoics was the belief that we don’t react to events. We react to our judgments about them, and the judgments are up to us. Stoics also advised that we shouldn't worry about things beyond our control. Everything in life can be divided into two categories – things that are up to us and things that are not. The Stoics have some of the smartest and most applicable insights about keeping your anger contained.

Take for example you're driving along when you're suddenly cut off by another driver. At that moment you have two choices - act according to the anger you believe justified, (anger that wasn't present just a moment ago) or, take a deep breath, gather yourself, and continue driving. One will take a brief realization of the moment, the other will potentially set your tone for the hours to come.

I use the above example because it recently happened to me. The old me would have been fit to be tied. Horn-honking, finger-flipping, curse-screaming, and hellbent on revenge. Anger that would have brewed for hours. During this last occurrence, while admittedly annoyed, I took a deep breath and held myself in reserve.

"Is this going to matter two minutes from now?" No, it's not. That other driver and I will be off and about on our separate ways. And who knows what their situation is? Chances are they were just an inconsiderate driver. But it bears understanding that perhaps they're responding to something far more significant than our disappointment in being temporarily inconvenienced by them. The bottom line, if it doesn't matter a minute from now, it's not worth the emotional investment.

Personally, for me, the written works of Ryan Holiday have proven inspirational. "The Daily Stoic" is 366 meditations (one per day) on wisdom, perseverance and the art of living. Featuring translated teachings of many studied and followed stoics, it's a compelling and accessible guide to living a good life. Another favourite of Ryan's I have is "Ego Is The Enemy". This book assists in identifying the egos within and leading us in the fight to destroy them before they destroy us. All of the magnificent power within the universe is no match for the power that ego has over the undisciplined soul.

I was once told by a past employer that life is 10 percent what happens to you and 90 percent how you react to it. Given those numbers, it's pretty clear which side of the equation deserves our attention. And if for some reason, you still don't quite get it, it's the one you have complete control over.

Be proud of yourselves this week.

Mike - The Herdfather